When nature calls: It's mating season on Xbox Live.

An example of the female species found
on Xbox Live. Subject has no visual gaming
skill or desire to possess any.

The animal kingdom has a variety of rituals during the much-anticipated mating season. Elk use their antlers to fight for females, peacocks show off their feathers and koalas bellow to attract a mate. I bet you didn't know that.

But it seems human males have their mating season rituals in the digital world as well. Most men can be found at the online watering hole, otherwise known as Xbox Live, to size-up each other and show off their impressive skills to attract (or repulse) females. Here are frequently used personas for the human male species on Xbox Live to attract females.

Disclaimer: These techniques are only used by a small handful of male subjects and are not representative of the gaming community as a whole.

• The Sexist- Upon discovering a female has entered the lobby, males will use overt bouts of sexism in a competition against each other to garner the most attention. These comments may seem disparaging, but they are used to evoke feelings of inferiority in the female mate, thus making her submit as a partner for the most obnoxious male. While it is an ingenious example of reverse psychology, the sexist mating call has a failure rate of 96%, and should only be used by experienced males. Common calls heard within this technique include...
• "Why don't you get off Xbox and make me a sandwich?"
• "You were awful that round! Get this girl off my team."
• "You're a girl. You're supposed to suck so it's okay."
• "I didn't know they installed Xbox consoles in kitchens."
• The White Knight- This mating call draws a direct parallel to the aforementioned sexist technique. Instead of competing for the female's attention with hostility, the male will find a potential mate and

  

  I will defend you until death, my princess.

  defend her in a desperate attempt to capture her as a partner. The White Knight call has a failure rate of 91%. Common signs of the white knight call include...
• Congratulating and complimenting a girl on her game after she just went 1-20 on team deathmatch, ultimately causing the entire team to lose.
• Metaphorically becoming a human shield and arguing against anyone who calls her out for causing the entire team to lose.
• Constantly asking the female to add him on Xbox Live as a token of her gratitude for fearlessly protecting a damsel in distress.
• The Scoper-Like the native cave fish, Xbox Live frequenters cannot use visual cues to pick a mate because there is no way to see what they look like. The Scoper compensates for this by asking many personal questions of the potential female partner in order to gain a sense of her mating potential. This has a failure rate of 95%, and usually results the female growing annoyed. Some questions posed by Scopers include.
• What do you look like?
• Do you have a boyfriend?
• Can I be your boyfriend?
• Do you like your muffin buttered?
• Would you like me to butter your muffin?
• How tall are you?
• Will you be my girlfriend?
• The Respectful Bystander- This is a technique adopted by most males who have reached full maturity among the herd. Bystanders typically will play any game unaffected by the fact that a female is in the lobby. They avoid making chauvinist comments and don't give a girl any special attention that he wouldn't give to anyone else. This technique has a success rate of 100%, because males like this have usually already found a partner in the mysterious grasslands known as "IRL."

  

  This couple probably did not meet on Xbox Live. Finding
  a partner outside of video games has a success rate of 7,000%

Equipped with this knowledge, you can experience the wonder of the digital mating season. For $9.99 each month, the primal acts of nature are just within your headset. These techniques have been studied tirelessly by primate behaviorists, and they have drawn the conclusion that most people who look for love on Xbox Live will be single forever. 

 I'm Carly Lutz, a correspondent for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom (but not really)